Throw in a necessary trip to the store for food and other sundries, like pajamas for my giraffe of a boy who keeps growing out of everything we own, and the morning was less than stellar. I will admit, baby J slept most of the time and Li'l G did pretty well at ye olde market, aside from the throwing of things out of the cart, or fiddling with the packages until she opened them, or screaming when I asked her to stop. I am thankful I have developed mom blinders. I no longer actually see or care what people's reactions are. My focus is on her and on keeping my sanity. I'm sure somewhere someone thinks I'm the world's worst parent for a multitude of reasons. Oh well.
This isn't about that though. I know it seems that way, but it isn't. I hesitated to write this post tonight because I have been in such a foul mood that the Hubs could quite rightly point his finger at me screaming "liar, liar, pants on fire," though he may not come out unscathed. The point of the recounting of my terrible horrible no good day is that looking back on it, and even in the middle of it, I saw God writing me a love letter in short, sweet phrases.
Mother Teresa was quoted as saying she was a pencil in the hand of God who was writing a love letter to the world. Today he wrote it himself, unless Blessed Teresa was there and I missed it. It is possible. So here is my letter from God. I share it hoping if you have had a terrible day, you can see his hand writing in love to you through it all also.
I know you are tired. I know you want to quit. I appreciate you trying and doing what you need to do, even if it is the bare minimum today. Here are a string of green lights for you so you can quickly and safely go about your business. Not only that, but here is a parking space as close as possible to the store and right next to a cart return so you can put the babies right in.
Notice the blue sky and the sunshine. Didn't you just mention how you missed sunny days? Even though there will be rain, here is some sunshine to brighten your morning. As you go about your business, don't get frustrated when it seems not all you need is there. I have taken care of it - just look again. Be patient with G, she is learning just like you once did, and still do.
I know that sometimes it seems like too much, and that nothing you are trying to do works. Listen, just listen. There is the silence you are craving, if only for a moment, enjoy it. Then listen to the sound of your daughter's voice singing praise to me! How sweet that sound to my ears! I know you feel helpless in easing the baby's discomfort, but you are not powerless. That smile, the laughter when you tickle his belly or toes, he can work through his discomfort into joy. Do that too. Seek and choose joy.
I know the aches and pains and exhaustion. Just notice how those babies tonight fell asleep alone, and the sounds of their breaths as they sleep. Rest, listen, sleep.
Today will be a day of little things accomplished. Be glad for the little things. I know sometimes you just want to give up because you feel like it is too much. I will not give up on you. As you fall, and I know you will, I will take your hand and lead you back. Every minute, every second, every day, I will dust you off and pick you up when you think you cannot stand.You cannot fall so far that Love will not find you. Even when you give up on yourself, I never will. Good night, sweet child. I love you. Come rest in me and we will try again tomorrow.