As the new year begins, I'm crumpled in a heap on the floor sobbing. It is not out of a lack of gratitude - I realize that I have been blessed beyond anything I deserve. It's not even a real sadness - again, I am blessed and I know it. I am in a heap because for the first time I have heeded the call of God to know myself through His eyes, I feel like I know what I've been given to share, but I have no idea how to get there. In filling the space in between while I figure that out, I am working at a job that is extremely meaningful, but I feel like I have little to share there, or at the very least, what my responsibilities are don't draw upon my greatest gifts. It just sometimes feels like I am fighting a losing battle, though I know that is not the case if I would just bring what goes on in my head out into the light. Yet, we must pay the bills - home, food and healthcare are important - and God has blessed me with a wonderful job that allows us to have me home more and do His work. Yet I am in a heap.
Hubbers finds me and reminds me that part of my heapishness comes from a lack of sleep. Oh yes, how quickly we forget how much difference good sleep can make in staying even-keeled. We talk of needing more quality and consistency in our prayers lives as well. Yet, at the root of it all is this desire to break out of the mundane. I know that some of this "rut" is simply the joy of having two little children who must be fed, cleaned and run after. Yet, I feel deeply that there is something more out there that I am missing. Not in the sense that I am missing out on a life I no longer live, or have yet to live, but rather that I am missing some portion of what God has called me to do. Whether it is out of fear, out of anguish or out of sheer exhaustion is still up for debate.
So here lies the dilemma. I feel called to do something more creative. I definitely feel called to write more, though I know that will take some time and discipline. I also feel called to delve more deeply into photography, and through that possibly some design, but I'm not quite sure in what form. The real dilemma again is that I have no idea how or where to get started to make this a viable and reliable "career" without another degree, which I really don't have the time or money for. I'm very much a "learn by doing" kind of gal, too, so I'm not sure a degree is where I am feeling the push of the Spirit.
There we have it. For now I'll just take it all to prayer and try to work at the writing as diligently as I can and take time to explore with my camera as much as possible. With minimal sleep, a running toddler and crawler this should be interesting. Yes, that's right, he's on the move now too. Hooray (and good grief, you'd think I'd lose this baby weight already, not put on more!)!! Any prayers or suggestions are definitely appreciated as I begin the "exploration" phase of this adventure.