It seems I am attempting to make up for a year's worth of posts in just a few days. Apparently, I've missed writing and it provides me a distraction from housework, so it is more attractive. :)
An email I got this morning from an organization I follow came with the subject line, "If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough." I was immediately struck by how much that called to my spirit. In trying to put out fires, keep the homefront functional, and keep my head above water with life's new challenges, I sometimes forget to dream. In fact, the Hubbers had to deal with a hormonal meltdown the other night much to that effect. I forget sometimes what it is that I enjoy, and what brings me joy - or rather, lament in the fact that some of the things I used to enjoy no longer bring me joy, and so believe nothing brings me joy anymore. He, in all his patience wisdom, reminded me that life brings changes so the things we enjoy sometimes change too. He is always encouraging me to find those things that I enjoy doing and pursue them. So, you see, this subject line really got me thinking.
First, I realized that sometimes joy is sprung on us with things that are so mundane we forget the joy in them. For me this is now my family. Now that the Hubbers has gone back to work, I know just how much I enjoyed having him home with all of us. I look at my children and am just so taken aback at the joys God has given me and their immense beauty. I know, all parents think their kids are the cutest, but seriously - we have some gorgeous babes in this house, and I could NEVER have dreamed that. Sometimes God fulfills dreams that you can't even dream, let alone be scared of.
I have always struggled with image issues, what with being a big, huge nerd through school, struggling with weight, etc. I've just recently gotten to the point where I am comfortable in my own skin, and what a good thing that is since I've got a little extra skin after these kids!
Anyway, for me to imagine the beauty of my children when I don't always see beauty in myself is humbling, overwhelming and mystifying all at once. Perhaps it's the hormones, but it still can bring me to tears as I watch Li'l G in her chair coloring with such concentration while Li'l J sleeps peacefully in the rocker.
Second, I realized that I don't pursue my dreams. I let myself get so caught up in the day to day that I forget that sometimes it is just as important to let some of the little things go and go after some of the big things. I love writing, though I lack the discipline that makes it fruitful - we're going to work on that together. I love taking photos. They're not always the best, but I love it. It's a little piece of my dad that I take with me through life, as the writing is a piece of my mom that I will carry with me. I've recently started taking portaits and exploring a small side business with it. All my "clients" so far have been friends. Last night I got an inquiry from someone I don't recognize. This scares the crap out of me. My mind immediately goes to the dark side of failure, rather than harnessing the excitement that someone saw my work and was interested in hiring me. So you see why this email subject really hit home today. I want to be the mom that instills the ability to dream big without fearing failing big in her kids. I want them to leap without looking sometimes (figuratively, not literally), to know that great things are worth doing even if we fall. Yet, I'm petrified at doing it myself.
So, I'm going to try to remember that "with God, all things are possible." It brought me a lot of peace when I wanted to get pregnant the first time and didn't realize it wasn't as easy as the after school specials make it seem. It continues to bring me peace now, and I hope that i can ingrain it in my children's memory for their lives as well, not only by repetition, but by my example. Here's praying!
And now, off to wash some bottles. Dreaming big here, dreaming big... :)